My mind is in a dark place

 but not like a morbid or foreboding kind of place. I'm in a quiet, dark, warm, resting kind of place. One that is safe and calm. Like me.  I'm at rest inside myself. Tranquility is my companion. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, literally or figuratively. I used to be so afraid of the dark when I was a child. I tried to come up with a way to turn off my lights from the safety of my bed. I hated the walk from the opposite side of the room turning off my lights to get into bed. I didn't have a lamp near my bed always, so I would rig strings and pulleys to try and flip the switch from my bed. my skills have never really been in engineering, and so naturally, it never worked.  I just had to flip the switch and run for it, lest something get me in the 4 step walk to my bed.  It was a small room. 

I did get a lamp to have by my bed eventually.  It was a pretty little thing with a frosted glass lamp shade, and a gold metal frame.  It was a touch lamp, which meant all I had to do was tap it somewhere on the metal frame for it to turn on. The smallest touch would bring light at 3 different levels, then a fourth tap would turn it off.  I loved playing with the lamp, pretending that the different levels of light were bringing something else into the room.  Another person, a dramatic situation, my imagination obviously was my strong suit, as evident by my inability to walk 3 feet in the dark. 

My imagination continues to be very vivid. I can imagine the most beautiful places that don't technically exist, although they might, I haven't been everywhere yet. I can imagine scenarios playing out wherein people have made romantic, kind or unkind gestures to me. I can imagine myself somewhere else, very vividly so that if I were to open my eyes during a guided meditation and find myself physically in my closet instead of in a forest, I would be disoriented for a moment.  I have been able to be in a trance, where I am not in my body, and I have to consciously bring myself back to myself before opening my eyes or I get dizzy. 

I guess this is a thing I'm remembering about myself, and seeing it in a new light. As a strength, but also as something to be aware of.  Reality has been kinder to me than my imagination as of late, and I guess maybe always? (hello darkness my old friend) my imagination identified something harmful in my room as a child that stopped me from accepting the harsh reality of having to leave my bed to turn off the lights. My imagination would turn to worst case scenario whenever I couldn't reach someone or I had an expectation that wasn't met. Giving people space to be human, make mistakes and their own decisions turns out is easier than letting my imagination run wild and staying afraid of something that isn't there. When I imagine something should happen a certain way, then it doesn't, It was disappointing.  When I have a conversation with someone about the way things actually are, even if I don't like the reality of it, It has a calming effect. A peace that allows me to adjust my thinking and accept what it, rather than continue wishing for something that might never be. This is what surrender looks like.  This is what presence of body, mind and spirit is. This is coming home to myself, in my dark and peaceful place.