This is what liberation feels like

 Having the space to see clearly. To sit comfortably with yourself and your thoughts and not be weighed down by the anchor that is heavy emotion. To let go of what is troubling you, but in a way that is not forceful or passive. To feel relief at the passing of a thought. To be content to surrender to the idea that you know nothing. To let the waves wash over you and push you into a rock. To feel the spray of the waterfall as you float by and just let it hit you. Make you cold. Startle you into aliveness. It is liberating to allow your mind to wander freely to all the possibilities that might come your way. Maybe something will happen, maybe nothing will happen.  Maybe today is one of the days that you get to appreciate the stillness that is an uneventful day.  Maybe something exciting, sad or scary will happen.  Love whatever it is that will come your way. Notice it. Acknowledge the passing of the sun over your head and surrender to the life that you have no control over. I used to think I knew what it looked like to be present, aware, content and working within the flow. 

I now see the difference.  I see the way I feel when I work through a struggle.  When I open a box in my brain that tells me I should be sad, hurt, afraid, anxious, angry, frustrated. When I go through that feeling, completely.  Feeling it all the ways it wants to be felt, the peace that comes after is liberation.  It is presence. It is me in my natural state of calm.  I have felt this natural state wash over me and carry me down the river only a few times now.  I see that I have been stuck attaching to the rocks in the river that are trying to keep things exciting, but instead of maneuvering around them, or feeling the thrill of the ride, I have been tying myself to the rock. I have been holding on tight to the things that are meant to teach me something instead of feeling the bump and moving on. 

I can go so far down stream when I am in my natural state. I can give myself compassion, love, time, patience.  I can give it to others so freely also. There have been a handful of times that I have been so much ME, so completely present that I have let go of all expectations for that moment, the day, the month. All of it could be gone and I could sleep forever, never waking, and I would be content. 

So much of me wants to hold on to this feeling, this contentment. So much of me wants to tie myself to the calm waters.  Drop anchor and just sit, not let anything jostle me, no more rocks, no adventure, no more feelings. Stand still. It's happy here. No anger, sadness, guilt, shame, pride. Just let me sit in the still water and not move anywhere. 

But I can't sit still. 

I'll never grow. 

I'll never become. 

I have sat still for years. 

I needed my boat to be turned over. 

I needed to have to hold my breath, swim to shore and try and fail to get back in the boat. 

I got back in the boat and I let down my anchor, trying to hold on to what was comfortable, known, familiar.  What I thought I had control over. As soon as I started to let go of the shore, I started bumping into the rocks, the thoughts, feelings, events, that I had no control over and I started to learn to notice them. To not judge them.  To sit with them. I tried tying myself to them in an attempt to control or find that stillness again. Rock after rock would come into my path. The more I tried to avoid the rapids, the bigger they got, until I would find myself on the floor in my closet, pushing against the water that was holding me down, trying to drown me.  When in fact, I was holding the anchor that was keeping me under the surface. The feeling of being in the rapids, being sprayed by cold water in the face, while trying to maneuver around the big rocks, gasping and gulping for air, flailing wildly and out of control, while tying yourself to the very rocks you are trying to pass is a little comical, as well as real. I find the rocks in my mind, they come up, unexpectedly. They give me something to think about. Something to learn. Every single time I am given the gift of moving through the rapids of my emotions, I am led to the liberation on the other side. The slow, steady-moving waters that will let me stop and appreciate life as it is before me.  One day I'll be able to fully appreciate all the rocks as they come. For now, I'll enjoy the stillness.