for years I have felt

inadequate, like I was not very good at this "adult" thing.  I would tell my husband, " I feel very unbelievable as an adult." As if I was an imposter, everywhere I went, even in my own home. I felt wishy washy, unsteady, I couldn't feel the shaking of the ground beneath my soul. Insecure, unaware, unable to see the hairline cracks, so I continued walking on them until finally they broke open. 

I broke open. 

I opened myself. In a way that reality was calling forth for me.  I can see it so clearly now.

The things I am learning are coming from all the places I felt I was missing something. 

self-love 

education

sexuality

emotional intelligence

body image

self-compassion

motherhood

marriage

I was walking along, following a script, a routine, a life story when the earth opened up and swallowed me whole.  Here I lay beneath the ground. 

resting.

sleeping

transforming

becoming

metamorphosis

quieting

meditating

shifting

calling on all the ways that needed to be made whole. Finding the true "who" underneath the surface. She is waiting there, she is still there. She is the source of fierceness and tenderness and love. She is the bud waiting to bloom, in time. Not yet. A seed can only become it's full self by being buried in the ground in a hole thrice it's size in depth and width.  My cocoon within the ground is thrice as deep and wide as all that I must learn. 

 The soft earth around me is comfortable, loose, flexible, warm, welcoming.  

Allowing me to

stretch

push

inquire

observe

examine

autopsy

wonder

ponder

be still. 

discover

This is a part of life, this is the piece of the adventure outside of my control wherein anything is possible and nothing is for certain. Here I lay, comfortably returning to the earth from which I came. Desperate for the peace I must find here. In the dark, quiet, warm night of existence. There is a much larger cycle at play.  One that goes beyond the cycle of the game played between the sun and moon each day. One that reaches past the bounds and restrictions of light and dark alone. A force of energy that has no intention of erupting before it's time. 

Within the deepest circle of growth is life in all of it's

vulnerability

majesty

pride

regret

awe

curiosity

gratitude

grief

empathy

connection

hopelessness

comparison

joy

hurt

overwhelm

guilt

surprise

presence

shame

confusion

sarcasm

nostalgia

belonging.

I'm coming home now.